You're not broken

 For a long time, I thought I was broken. What does that even mean? Basically, it means that I was thinking that "there is something wrong with me". This happens when you are struggling, intensively, for too long. After a while, it feels like there is no solution. You are doomed to feel bad for the rest of your life, you lose the hope of getting better. You think that something inside you is broken and cannot be fixed. 

But let's put that in fairly simple words. That's bullshit. Let's see why. 

Let's think for a second about the meaning of the word broken. For that, let's check the definition of the word from the dictionary. The first one you can find, and that every one knows, would be "damaged, no longer able to work". Well, let's face it, you might feel that way. However, are you really no longer able to work? Or is the way you think you are supposed to work simply not the right one for you? Our society teaches us behaviours to be considered as "normal" or - even worse - "cool". It teaches us what success is, and how to achieve it. I am not gonna start a discussion about the definition of success, but somehow, I lately discovered that anyone who is truly happy in their life could consider themselves quite successful, even without being the CEO of a multinational company. 

So once we have set those ground definitions, we can come back to our broken issue. And indeed the whole problem stands in the fact that you believe that you are failing in "working", as the society taught you so. But the truth behind that is simply that you are a unique human being, with your very own emotions and traumas. Nothing about you has to be fixed. First, because you cannot change what has already happened. And second, cause there is nothing wrong about you. You life is a succession of events, some happy, some hurtful. Those are events that are connected to emotions. But are you listening? Are you truly paying attention to those emotions?

Ok now I can feel that you are thinking "yeah that's some nice abstract bullshit". Then, let's take an example. Maybe you faced a tough experience in your life. Maybe the loss of a relative, the divorce of your parents, a physical aggression, anything. These events have probably affected you deeply. Boom, trauma. But there is not such a thing as healing from trauma. At least, in my opinion (and it is a shared opinion). There is only awareness, acceptation. 

"Oooh but what do you mean?" 

I mean that the only thing you need to do, is to understand the root of all your behaviours, all your emotional reactions. Those events are indeed traumatic, and because of them, your mind is filled with deep and solid core beliefs, that are dictating your way of living. You don't need to be fixed. You don't need to start thinking according to some bullshit pattern you might find somewhere, or behave in a given way. What you need to do is to listen. Listen to yourself. Trust your intuitions. You subconscious knows, and tries to give you the answers, but you are not listening. You cannot feel alive and complete if you go against your intuitions. This is who you are. There is no way this is gonna change. The only thing that can be changed is how much attention you pay to this inner voice. 

Let's close on an example that will be hopefully self-explanatory. And we already took this example in a previous post. It's Friday night. Your friends are waiting for you at the bar. "Come on dude, it's Friday, it's party time". But you can hear this little voice in your head "I need to be alone, and get a good night of rest". Now there are two stories. 

1. You do go out. Against your intuitions. Against your own person. Why? Because this is what you are "supposed" to do. So you do it. Most probably, in order to feel better, you are gonna do everything you can to make this inner voice shut up already. By drinking, doing drugs, or whatever recreational activity you might find helpful at that moment. And truth is, it's gonna work. For a while. But next day, or God... The guilty feeling will be infinite, and your inner voice will not be talking to you anymore, it will be yelling. So hard. And you already have a headache. 

2. You don't go out. You stay home. Alone. Watching a stupid romantic comedy on Netflix. "Oh look those bastards, they look happy, they are so in love, they have everything, while I'm just sitting alone". You can relate? Come on, no one is watching you now, we've all been there. And then, when you are finishing your giant pot of Ben & Jerries, feeling nauseous, you ask yourself the one question that you should never ask: "What is wrong with me?"

"Thanks dude, both stories have very nice happy endings."

I know, right? 

But the point is: if you had listened to your inner voice, you would have enjoyed a nice alone night at home, knowing that this is what you needed at this point. And the next morning, you would wake up fresh, ready for you day. You are not broken. Nothing is wrong about you. You do not need to be fixed. You need to be aware, to listen to yourself, to listen to your intuitions, and trust them. This is a very animal concept. All animals have intuitions. And without them, we would be dead already. 

This is something I am still struggling with, so I apologise if this post was not so clear. But do not hesitate to comment, share your experience or ask for more about this topic. 

Love on all of you, you are worth.